You don’t have children, do you?

I have heard this too many times in the last 2 weeks.

Let me explain my self. And on a side note, if I am over-reacting, please feel free to slap me sideways.

In my Comprehensive Nursing Management class, I am in a group with 4 other mothers. Ages ranging from 25 – 53. I feel kind of weird in this group, as I consider my self a mother, however I have nothing to contribute to their conversations. So I just sit idly by and listen, or study while they are talking about how great their kids are…

Today, I heard “You don’t have children, do you?”, twice. Only because I had brought pre-prepared notes to class, so I wouldn’t be floundering through not knowing what the hell I was doing.

I felt like yelling out, “I have a son who passed away, and then had another miscarriage after that!“. And not to mention that people assume this hasn’t happened because I am “too young”…. But that is a whole other can of worms….

I have heard too many times mothers blaming their children for things that go wrong or awry in their lives…. stretchmarks, not getting their homework done (if they are in uni), grey hairs, stress…. the list goes on. I know, if my son had lived, I would not be blaming my shortcomings on him… And I sure as hell won’t be when I am able to have a child of my own.

But coming back to my original gripe… don’t assume that I don’t have things going on in my life, just because I am diligent enough to do my homework before coming to class.

This whole thing has just rubbed me up the wrong way today… And I know I am not the only one who can relate to this.


Return To Zero

Extra Large Movie Poster Image for Return to Zero

RETURN TO ZERO is a drama, based on a true story, about a successful couple, Maggie and Aaron Royal, who are preparing for the arrival of their first child, a son. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives as before but cannot escape their postpartum grief. They come to realize that their lives and relationship have been forever altered by this loss. They try to cope in a myriad of ways — through denial, escape, and alcohol — but when Maggie discovers that Aaron is having an affair with a co-worker, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she discovers that she is pregnant again by Aaron. With the help of her empathetic doctor who had experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Through a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy, Maggie and Aaron reunite to see their child, a daughter, safely into the world.

I am so anxious to see this movie. The reviews have been great! Not to mention it is helping to dismiss the stigma surrounding stillbirth. This movie is so important in this movement.

I am wanting to read the book, Three Minus One which details stories of loss, and was inspired by the film, Return To Zero.


Have you seen the film or read the book yet? What did you think? Let me know!






This is my Mothers Day

I am a mother. My baby is in heaven.

My angel son is my reason to celebrate Mothers Day.

To remember my son, and celebrate his life.

While he only lived for a short time, he was loved unconditionally, and brought so much hope, happiness, and allowed me to grow. His passing has changed me, and my outlook. I walk now without my rose coloured glasses on. I knew the world was not always good. I knew this before, but this time, it touched me. My soul has been reshaped. Broken and taped back together. My heart still bears the stab wounds, stitches loosely holding it all together. My shield is heavy to hold. Sometimes I need to rest it down.  The next arrow of pain can get through. I leave my self vulnerable. Or do I? Do I have to put on a brave face all the time? Hold my shield with shaking arms and legs? The pain that comes through, I never want it to leave entirely. It’s the same pain I felt when Bear passed away. That is our pain. When I feel it, we are together again. The pain of loving someone so much, and having to say goodbye. I never knew I was capable of feeling something so strong.
Everything I do now, I do with my son. He is always with me… in my heart, in my thoughts… I carry him with me, always.

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These simple reminders make me feel better. When I am having a bad day, I look down at my wrist. Trace the outline of my Mother and Child knot. Trace over the numbers of his birthday. My bear. His blanket.

To my son,
I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you always.
Spread you wings and fly.
RIP my angel.

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Societies reaction when a baby dies

Since the loss of our son last November, I have had many people try to make sense of the situation, and inadvertently say things that were offensive to me. They weren’t intentionally trying to upset me and my partner. Yesterday I found this link to Still Standing Magazine on Facebook, and thought it was worthy of sharing. It sums up societies reaction to losing a baby.

Imagine if people said things like this to you:

Your father passes away. Imagine if when you speak of him you’re told, “Well at least you have your mother”.

Your grandmother passes away. Imagine if every time you mention her and how much you love and miss her people cringe and say, “You should really move on”.

Your best friend passes away. Imagine if you reach out for comfort only to be told, “That’s awful, but at least you can always make more friends”.

People don’t make comments like this to these situations. So what makes it OK to say it about the death of a baby, regardless of gestational age?  Comments like this do not aid healing. They fuel the pain and grief we experience.

I hope that one day these comments are not made, and people can understand that this is a real pain we experience.

To view the full article, click here.


I mean that in every way.

The results from my scan showed that there is nothing but a sac.

I am booked in to have a S&C on the 15th of April…. but this doesn’t need to happen anymore. My body has taken over and done what it needs to do.

I feel strangely at ease about this. I think, now I know it is over. I don’t need to be poked and prodded any more (I hope). I have my answer —  I am no longer pregnant.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to guide and support me through this emotionally and physically draining process. I appreciate your kindness… Many of you are complete strangers.